Sex 306: Losing Face


Continued from Sex 305: Game Time

I… don’t know who I am
Or more precisely
Which I am

When we put on Gamer’s headset,
I lose my unique perspective
By gaining the others

Isn’t this the flow state
Cherished by actors
Gamers and lovers
Where we lose our self
In a role?

Is this lack of togetherness
The anxiety
I’ve been running away from
With sex, drugs, and rock & roll?

On the one hand
There is enormous freedom

I experience the room
Like it is my body
I can cast my attention
Upon any corner
Zoom in on any detail
Or simply just be

This ecstatic union
Comes at a price

I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where I stand

I cannot choose
I cannot act

I cannot decide
Because to decide
Is to silence a voice
Cut off the part of me
That dissents

And Gamer’s goggles
Won’t let me exclude

Maybe that’s why
We need a Leader
Surely that is why
We joined this Quest

But how can we Quest
If we cannot choose?

What if communion
Is both precondition
And barrier
To becoming

This thought
Fills all of me
With despair
With yearning
With a hunger
For that which we lost
Yet never had

I cry

With every fiber of my being
I speak without words
The sound of emptiness

And as nothing
Disappears into something
Someone hears
And replies

“I hear you
I see you
I love you
I AM here”

But is that

Completed in Sex 307: Home-be-coming

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