Reflective introspection journaling
To help me understand why
I failed to manifest
The fruit of the Spirit
And where I need
More Jesus

Why did I interrupt my wife
When she was just thinking aloud?

Why was I so offended
When Norris mis-stated
(Even after correcting himself!)
That Pluto was light-years away

Both felt the same.
Even through there was no threat

This is the same Part of me
That answers questions
Asked of someone else

That tries to answer all the questions
Not just the current one

Let’s call him KnowsMore

His purpose in existing
Is to make us (me) feel safe
Superior
Valued
Needed
By having all the answers
And giving them
Even if not wanted

This might be healthy
Or at least adaptive
When sharing witticisms
In a verbal sparring match

But is really
A Momentary Narcissistic Reaction

What is the underlying
Unprocessed
Shame?

What am I fearing?
Loss of status?

Why am I quick to speak
And slow to hear
Or at least: when?

Trigger

When I have an answer
And know I’m right

And someone else
Has the stage
And does not

That feels unfair
That feels wrong
That feels
Like being de-statused

I am hungry
For a chance
To validate myself

I am desperate
To justify my existence
Relevance
Inclusion

KnowsMore
Is a copout
A cheap intellectual thrill
Substituting
For genuine relationship

Interaction
Without vulnerability
Fake-signaling status
Without actual growth

A very well-concealed
Cry for help
Cry of loneliness
Cry of despair

Letter

Dear KnowsMore

You need to know more
Of Jesus

You need to know
That you are loved
As you are
Based on whose you are
Not how you perform

You don’t need to steal
Attention
To survive

You don’t need
To justify
To demonstrate
To prove
Your existence
Your validity
Your rightness
Your status
Your adequacy

You are my
Security blanket
And I am grateful
For all that you’ve done

But now
It is time
To let go

And let God
Set you free
Set me free
Set us free

To feel the shame
To feel the pain

To feel the gap
Between truth and lies
Questions and answers
Needs and fulfillment

And let the cross
Bridge that gap

Rather than
Using my flesh
To force it closed
So I don’t
Have to feel
Shame
Pain
Loneliness
Anything

Prayer

Jesus
Have mercy on me
Have mercy on us

Reconcile me
To myself
To you
To others

Set me free
From this body of death
That I use to hide
My fear

Let me walk with you
In the Garden
Without fig leaves

Let me love
And be loved
Like you

Let me enter
The City of God
As a citizen

Let me see your face
Let me see you
Seeing me
Knowing me
Understanding me
Accepting me

Help me rest
Help me surrender
Help me die
To the lie
That keeps me
From you

Amen.