I am trapped in the Bar of Hell. Watching my Father guzzle All the shame, suffering and sin Of the whole world With such agonizing joy That my soul yearns To join Him
I grab my tiny Cup, full of ruby liquid, and slam it down my throat.
I have tasted all the pleasures of this world, from the sublime heights of philosophy to the sordid depths of passion. All start out sweet as honey to my mouth, but end up bitter as gall in my stomach.
This… is the reverse.
When it hits my tongue, my whole body convulses with a gag reflex. It is as if the liquid instantly infected every cell of my body with mortal loathing, such that I want to vomit my very self away. It is the worst sensation I have ever experienced.
It is also the very sensation I have wasted most of my life trying to avoid, through addictive pleasures, hollow achievements, and manipulative relationships.
It’s sole virtue is that it is mercifully brief. I gaze in renewed awe at my Father, who continues to chug what I now realize is a never-ending stream of the world’s pain.
And that’s when I realize…
I am free.
The subconscious pain — that crippled my soul and my flesh, tainting even my most cherished friendships — is gone.
I had ascribed the flashes of discomfort I felt to evil in the world (or other people). But now I realize it was all due to my war with myself: the valiant but futile battle my ego fought to avoid being consumed by awareness of my own corruption.
The corruption that has just been burned away by the liquid in that Cup. To be replaced by awe.
Awe is what I felt When I looked at my Father Awe is what I feel When I look at my self
And because of that completeness Contentment Communion Connection…
Awe is what I feel When I gaze upon What used to be The demons of my desire
Lecher Titania Yolanda Julia Elsabeth Aphrodite
They no longer Have power over me I no longer need Power over them
I can regard them With pure awe At the amazing creations they are Even as I am
I see their flaws and follies As I now see my own With compassion Rather than fear Or contempt
My hunger now Is not to use them To chase away my darkness But simply to honor them In light of who they are And all they have endured
Trusting That if they see me Seeing them Like this
And see my Father Seeing them Through me
They too Might take the Cup And join us Forever And happily ever after.