Radically Happy

Continued from Mrs. Jesus #5/7: Wood Friday

Prologue

Jesus is gone.
I am alone.
And nothing will ever be okay again.

Holy Saturday

[In honor of the most overlooked, relevant, and lonely holiday in the Christian calendar]

I lie in bed
I can’t move
I can’t eat
I dare not think

Somewhere in the house, there may be children
Crying
Hungry

I don’t know
I can’t care

Part of me wants to get up and binge
Eat a gallon of ice cream
A pound of chocolate
Read a trashy romance novel
Watch an entire season on Netflix

Anything to feel alive
Anything to feel…
Something other than this

But I can’t summon the energy
To pretend
To care
Even to abuse myself

What’s the point?
HE is gone
I gave Him everything
Then He left
So now I have nothing
I am nothing

Part of me screams
No
Don’t believe that
It is a lie

But I refuse to hear it
Because He’s not here
And if He didn’t leave me
Then I left Him
Which is even worse

Because He’s not here
And if He didn’t leave me
Then I left Him
Which is even worse

Selah

I lift my eyes
Staring at the ceiling

Can I even remember a time
When He wasn’t there

Even when we were kids
Growing up together
Before I even knew what love was

He was always there
Always loving
Always perfect

I always knew I would marry Him
Knew we were made for each other
Knew He was my whole reason for being

Now He is gone
And the worst part is
I still believe

Even though
There’s nothing left
Of Him to believe in
Or me to believe with

Selah

A tear
Slowly forms in on eye

I don’t know why
The dead do not cry

I am past grief
Past caring
Past hoping
Past wanting

I am empty
Even of the hunger
That kept me going
Even of the illusions
I used to bribe the hunger
So it would leave me alone

I am empty
Even of the illusions
I used to bribe the hunger

I have nothing
I am nothing
And nothing
Never changes

Nothing
Cannot persevere
Cannot hope
Cannot trust
Cannot protect

Cannot delight
Cannot rejoice

It can only
Fail

And maybe
I prefer it that way

Selah

The End?