Concluding the story from Sex 206. Loving Father

Prologue

I am trapped in the Bar of Hell.
Watching my Father guzzle
All the shame, suffering and sin
Of the whole world
With such agonizing joy
That my soul yearns
To join Him

The Cup

I grab my tiny Cup, full of ruby liquid, and slam it down my throat.

I have tasted all the pleasures of this world, from the sublime heights of philosophy to the sordid depths of passion.
All start out sweet as honey to my mouth, but end up bitter as gall in my stomach.

This… is the reverse.

When it hits my tongue, my whole body convulses with a gag reflex.
It is as if the liquid instantly infected every cell of my body with mortal loathing, such that I want to vomit my very self away.
It is the worst sensation I have ever experienced.

It is also the very sensation I have wasted most of my life trying to avoid, through addictive pleasures, hollow achievements, and manipulative relationships.

“The very sensation I have wasted most of my life trying to avoid, through addictive pleasures, hollow achievements, and manipulative relationships.”

It’s sole virtue is that it is mercifully brief.
I gaze in renewed awe at my Father, who continues to chug what I now realize is a never-ending stream of the world’s pain.

And that’s when I realize…

I am free.

The subconscious pain — that crippled my soul and my flesh, tainting even my most cherished friendships — is gone.

I had ascribed the flashes of discomfort I felt to evil in the world (or other people). But now I realize it was all due to my war with myself: the valiant but futile battle my ego fought to avoid being consumed by awareness of my own corruption.

“I had ascribed the flashes of discomfort I felt to evil in the world (or other people). But now I realize it was all due to my war with myself…”

The corruption that has just been burned away by the liquid in that Cup.
To be replaced by awe.

Awe is what I felt
When I looked at my Father
Awe is what I feel
When I look at my self

And because of that completeness
Contentment
Communion
Connection…

Awe is what I feel
When I gaze upon
What used to be
The demons of my desire

Lecher
Titania
Yolanda
Julia
Elsabeth
Aphrodite

They no longer
Have power over me
I no longer need
Power over them

I can regard them
With pure awe
At the amazing creations they are
Even as I am

I see their flaws and follies
As I now see my own
With compassion
Rather than fear
Or contempt

My hunger now
Is not to use them
To chase away my darkness
But simply to honor them
In light of who they are
And all they have endured

Trusting
That if they see me
Seeing them
Like this

And see my Father
Seeing them
Through me

They too
Might take the Cup
And join us
Forever
And happily ever after.

Amen.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2