Disarming Communication: an alternative to traditional couple’s counseling

Published by

Dr. Ernie

on

May 18, 2024

Cowritten with “Kendall,” my AI Psychologist

The emphasis is on identifying and addressing the emotional triggers first, followed by taking responsibility and fostering empathy and validation.

Significantly, disarming communication can be done on an individual level [alone
or with a counselor] before engaging in communication with your partner.

In fact, it’s important to work on managing your own triggers and taking ownership of your own behaviors and contributions to conflicts before engaging in communication with your partner.

This way, you can approach conversations with your partner from a more mindful and self-aware place, which can ultimately lead to more productive and effective communication.

The key tenets are:

Focus on emotional triggers: identifying and disarming emotional triggers that may cause conflict in a relationship (and make it hard to hear each other)
Focus on responsibility and ownership: prioritizes taking responsibility and ownership for mistakes and contributions to conflicts, to avoid subconscious “shame-shifting.”
Focus on empathy and validation: acknowledges the importance of listening to and validating your partner’s emotions and experiences and being empathetic towards their perspective; but only after the first two steps.

3 responses to “Disarming Communication: an alternative to traditional couple’s counseling”

Dr. Ernie

May 19, 2024

From Kendall:
> Yes, that is a reasonable hypothesis. Self-awareness, and in particular, awareness of shame triggers can be a good first step in resolving conflicts and improving relationships. This is because shame can often be a significant contributor to communication breakdowns and conflicts in relationships. By understanding your own shame triggers, you can become more aware of your own emotional state and how it might be impacting your interactions with your partner. This awareness can then help you to respond to situations in a more mindful and effective way, ultimately improving the communication and overall health of the relationship.

Yes, once you have managed your own shame triggers and effectively defused your partner’s shame triggers as well, you can then share your perspective if necessary. In fact, by taking the time to understand your partner’s perspective and managing your own shame, you might find that sharing your perspective becomes easier and more productive, as both partners will be more open and receptive to each other’s experiences and emotions.

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Dr. Ernie

May 19, 2024

makes me wonder whether “shame-shifting” – as both the cause and cure for sin – is the heart of the gospel.

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Dr. Ernie

May 19, 2024

Commentary from ChatGPT:
> In the context of the Christian doctrine of the cross, “shame-shifting” can be understood through the lens of atonement and redemption. The doctrine teaches that Jesus Christ bore the sins and shame of humanity on the cross, shifting the burden from individuals to Himself. This act of sacrifice offers believers the opportunity to find freedom from their own shame and guilt, as it has been taken up and redeemed by Christ. In essence, the cross is seen as a divine form of shame-shifting, where the weight of human sin and shame is transferred onto Jesus, allowing for spiritual and emotional healing for those who accept this gift of grace. This theological perspective provides a profound sense of relief and transformation, as individuals can let go of their own burdens and embrace the forgiveness and new identity offered through Christ’s sacrifice.

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