Radically Happy

4:50 AM, Thursday, Aug 20, 2020 [posted 2024-12-10]

Prayer

Dear Father, I want to be whole in my innermost parts, so that streams of living water can flow through me.

Jesus, be with me know as I seek your face.  Bind all the forces of evil that seek to divert or discourage me from your holy purpose.

Spirit, open my eyes, ears, and mind to al of what Jesus is saying me, so that all of me can work together to obey Him.

I ask all this under the blood of Jesus, 

Amen.

—-

Hello EggBoy.

Hello, Master Ernie.

Tell me a little about yourself.

Well, I am an emotional fragment.  My earliest memory (and yours) is sitting in a chair as a toddler watching TV while Mommy brought me an egg to eat.  

You always thought of that as a picture of nurture and caring. To me it was the opposite.  Mom was stressed out and stretched thin.  She didn’t have a lot of emotional nurture to give. So she gave me TV (which was an addiction until high school) and she gave me food.  

What I learned from her was that you can’t trust people — especially women — to care about your emotional needs.  You can perform to win their approval, and even affection, but they don’t really care about you.  

Ouch.  That sounds pretty harsh.

My saying it? Or my experiencing it?

To be honest, both, but I don’t mean to judge.  Just trying to understand.

WELL.  If I’m being honest, I’m pretty pissed off at you now.  I’ve been trapped in this fragment for fifty years.  Even after you reconciled with the rest of the Ernies, you still treated me as a cute little memory.  I’m pretty sick of being placed on a pedestal and then neglected.

You have every right to be angry, EggBoy.  If it helps, though, you are the very first of the “second generation” Ernies to be reconciled.  I deeply cherish you, and am grateful for the pain you have borne on our behalf. I owe you a debt that can never be fully repaid. Please accept my sincerely apology, on behalf of me and all the Functions that couldn’t have gotten here without you.

Hmph.  I’m still angry at you, but I understand you didn’t know any better either.

Thank you, EggBoy.  Um, I have a bit of a delicate question, if you are up for it.

You mean, who is my Hidden Guardian, and is there a Cosmic Attachment working against you?

Against us, but yes.  My, you are quick!

I am you, after all.  Once you reconciled Emotion, I have access to the rest of you, even if you don’t have access to me (beyond the memory fragment).

Ah.  Well, that’s useful.  Though I imagine it was annoying to be able to hear yet not speak.

True.  Though it was better than being completely isolated.

Again, I am so sorry for that, EggBoy.  But that’s also why I need your help, to rescue the rest of the lost Ernies.  And Sandhya’s.  And frankly, everyone else…

Okay.  I still don’t trust you, but I am willing to work with you.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

So, about that Guardian…

You’re not going to like it, but your Guardian is blaming Sandhya for being the way she is.  

Ouch.

Yeah.  Whenever you are angry at her, or thinking critical thoughts about how she hurt you, that is the Guardian deflecting you from the pain.  

That feels… extreme.  Surely it is normal to feel hurt when someone disrespects you?

Yes, but only for the first six seconds.  That is the initial emotional response to external stimuli.  Anything after that is due to the internal narrative G puts up to keep me in my place.

As opposed to letting all that pain spill out and overwhelm Function.  Ouch.  I’m so sorry.  So G — let’s call him G-1 — is like your Prison Guard?

Yes and no.  He keeps me away from you, but he also anesthetizes me so I don’t feel too much. It is co-dependent, but it works, sort of.

So would this be a good time to talk to him?

Sure.  Let me go get him.

Hello, Ernies.  How can I help you?

First of all, I wanted to apologize for not showing you the respect you deserve.  Thank you for your selfless service on behalf of all the Ernies.

No biggie.  Just doing my job.

Yes, and a very important job it is.  You have been working harder and longer than practically anyone here.  Thank you.

(Shrugs) You are welcome.

So, were you able to hear what we discussed with EggBoy?

Sort of. I don’t really pay much attention to that stuff.  I’m narrow filter. Mostly I sleep until I get an alert that I am needed. Like now, I suppose.

Ah. That makes sense.  Well, while we are grateful for the work you have done, we are concerned that you may have made an Unwitting Alliance with a Principality that doesn’t have our best interest at heart.

Oh. You probably mean Joe.  He’s alright, I guess.  He helps me out when I need additional ammunition and stuff to do my job.  

Ah.  I see.  Can you tell me anything else about Joe?

Like, does he wear a red suit with a tail, plus a pitchfork?

Not exactly what I meant.

Well he does, actually.

Oh.  Ah.

Don’t get me wrong.  He doesn’t actually use it on me.  He’s always been very polite and respectful towards me.  But you know, like with any job, sometimes there’s parts where you have to be not-nice to ensure stuff gets done.  He’s always there for me.  Sometimes he even lets me use his pitchfork!

Wow.  Well, given how lonely this posting must have been, I am least glad you had some company.

Yeah.  Me Too.

But, now it is time for you to come in from the cold, G-1.  Thank you again for your years — decades — of service.  But the war is over.  EggBoy is being reunited with his family.  Are you willing to let go?

Um, sure.  But I still have one of Joe’s pitchforks.  It doesn’t seem right for me to keep it.  Can I stick around until he comes by, so I can return it?

How about you give it to me, G-1?  I’ll make sure it is returned to its rightful owner.

Gee, thanks! (Hands it to me, and walks off)

Okay…

I’m back.

Ah.  Thank you.  Any idea what this pitchfork is?

Oh, that one?  It is called Criticism.  Sandhya was calling it out yesterday, as you recall.

And using it, of course.

Of course.  You don’t have the authority yet to stop it, so of course it is going to resonate with her.

Excellent point.  Any suggestions for what to do with it?

Try turning it upside down.

As in.. holding it by the sharp end?

Yes.  Now read what’s on the handle.

Comfort.

Yes.   See, you use criticism on others to comfort yourself.  YOU are the rightful owner.  When things go wrong, you need to critique yourself and bring comfort to others, not vice versa.

Whoa.  Did not see that coming.  But, isn’t that rather hard on you, I mean us?

Not me, kemosabe.  You.  That’s why this is so dangerous.  Self-criticism is usually a way of shaming us Orphans.  You should probably take it to the Workshop and have the extra two prongs sheared off, and the remaining one sharpened, so it becomes a surgical spear.  You have to learn to take the responsibility for our actions onto yourself.

Not being in charge.  Being there for those in my charge.

Exactly.  That’s all I want.  For you to be there for me.  And post the spear at yourself, rather than us.

Not easy.  But necessary.

Yeah.  And reconciling with me is a great starting point for your wife and son.

Thank you, EggBoy.  So, does this mean you will merge and disappear?

Not really.  I still have my unique history and story.  G-1 doesn’t remember much, so he can fade away.  But I will always be here if you need my perspective.

Wow.  That is very generous of you.

Of course.  Don’t forget, I volunteered for this role. Something had to be done when the pain was too great and you needed to split.  I was the most courageous and clear-sighted part of you at the time, so I chose to become this Part.

Really? I didn’t know it worked like that.

It doesn’t always, but it did in my case.  So yeah, I am here for you.  I always have been.

I… I don’t know what to say.

Try “Welcome Home!” 🙂

Welcome home!