My attempt to make sense of the latest tragedy currently ongoing in the Middle East.
The Image
I can imagine living in the Gaza Strip. Seeing the poverty and oppression all around me. Hating Israel viciously, and Jews casually, as the powerful ones who crush us “just because they can.”
My heart genuinely breaks for the suffering of my people. I know Hamas isn’t perfect. Some of the leaders are corrupt and selfish. Many of the warriors are dead inside, and scare even me.
But Hamas are the only ones who see reality. And are willing to do what it takes to find a path forward. When everyone else is either utterly delusional. Or nihilistic with despair.
The Dilemma
[One year ago]
Things are bad. They are about to get worse.
Hamas is about to tear itself apart. Holding a coalition together with effectively no hope of victory is a superhuman challenge. And all we have are deeply flawed humans. Because all the sane ones ran away, or killed themselves.
All we have are deeply flawed humans. Because all the sane ones ran away, or killed themselves.
If Hamas falls, everything goes to hell. Nobody else cares about the people. No other country or party cares about my people.
We have nobody but us. And we can’t even trust us.
We face an impossible dilemma. Israel is growing stronger, and turning the hearts of our so-called friends against us. Some of the elders are pushing for conciliation with Israel, to ease our suffering.
But even if Israel was willing to negotiate in good faith — which is laughable — the young hotheads would never stand for it. They would murder us in our beds. Even our own guards.
We would become Somalia. Eating ourselves alive. While Israel laughs. And laughs and laughs and laughs…
We would become Somalia. Eating ourselves alive. While Israel laughs. And laughs and laughs and laughs…
The Dream
I sit bolt upright in bed.
What if…
What if we did both things at once?
It would be perfect.
Pretend peace. Preach it publicly. Make solemn promises to the elders. Assure them we’ve come up with a plan to reduce violence.
Then in secret, recruit the young radicals. One compartmentalized cell at a time. Tell them just enough to keep them from open rebellion.
Most of the leadership won’t even know which story is real. We just tell each of them what they want to hear. And let self-deception do the rest.
We just tell each of them what they want to hear. And let self-deception do the rest.
Our real purpose: humiliate Israel. Take advantage of their obsession with the West Bank. Their contempt for my people. Hit them where it hurts.
Each team thinks they are the only one. But they all have the same purpose. Cross the border. Grab hostages. Kill anyone who resists. Retreat.
We tell them few details. Only that we will provide a diversion when the time is right. And that we will kill anyone who breathes a word of this without checking with us first. After we do — a few times — they believe us.
Once we have their hostages, Israel will be furious but impotent. There will be too many hostages in too many places. They can’t risk a raid knowing we might kill them. They value their privileged little lives far too much. That is why we are stronger than them. We have nothing left to lose.
They value their privileged little lives far too much. That is why we are stronger than them. We have nothing left to lose.
We will be heroes. Israel will have no choice but to negotiate in good faith. Return our comrades. Ease the blockade.
Maybe we keep a few hostages a little longer, to ensure their good behavior.
The plan is perfect. Everyone will love it. It can work. It will work.
It has to work. The alternative is unthinkable.
It has to work. The alternative is unthinkable.
The Nightmare
[Today]
The unthinkable has happened.
I knew, subconsciously, that there would be atrocities. There always are, with men like this. Even against our own people.
Hamas tries to keep them in check. But these are the only kind of men we have to work with. The only ones crazy enough to risk near-certain death against a superior foe. Who has infinite money, infinite technology, and infinite friends.
I told myself it wouldn’t be that bad. The mission was too important. Our cause was too noble. Their plan was too simple.
Smash. Grab. Run.
But no. The f*cking idiots couldn’t contain their rage, when a lifetime of shame was finally uncorked.
[They] couldn’t contain their rage, when a lifetime of shame was finally uncorked.
I am the f*cking idiot. I had forgotten about social media.
The world had gotten used to the casual brutality Israel regularly inflicts on my people. They weren’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared for this.
I thought we’d be heroes. I thought Israel would be stuck in an impossible situation. Humiliated. Torn between outrage and fear. Trapped by their thin, hypocritical veneer of civilization.
I thought Israel would be stuck in an impossible situation. Trapped by their thin, hypocritical veneer of civilization.
Instead we are monsters. Seen in graphic, real time video we can’t explain away as Western propaganda.
We have ripped away the veneer. Israel’s outrage beyond anything I dared imagine. Worse, their allies share their rage. Our Western sympathizers mostly silenced. Or humiliated.
Now nothing will stop them from their revenge. They are coming to kill us, if they can. It may destroy their economy. It may alienate their allies. It may permanently ruin any chance for normalization.
They don’t care. But whether or not they annihilate themselves no longer matters.
It will destroy Gaza. It will annihilate the fragile stability and hope I’ve spent a lifetime building.
It will destroy Gaza. It will annihilate the fragile stability and hope I’ve spent a lifetime building.
Even if we push them back, the blockade will continue. Our “friends” will forget us. Even if the masses support us, the elites will use the outrage as an excuse to not help us.
They will leave us to wither on the vine. Everything I gave my life to is doomed.
And it is all my fault.
The Realization
I got my wish.
Deep down, I suspect I really just wanted Israel to suffer as much as I did. To feel the horrible, sickening shame and despair of seeing an unstoppable power ruin everything you love.
Deep down, I suspect I really just wanted Israel to suffer as much as I did. To feel the horrible, sickening shame and despair of seeing an unstoppable power ruin everything you love.
I told myself it was for political gain. For glory. For my people. For justice. For the future. For God.
But really, I just wanted revenge. Because deep down, I knew there was nothing else left.
And in these last moments, as I sit once again in my bed — staring at the gun in my hand — I finally understand my enemy.
And myself.
Now that they feel what I feel, I see them acting out the same self-destructive rage they saw in us.
Now that they feel what I feel, I see them acting out the same self-destructive rage they saw in us.
That they always saw in us.
And just for a moment, I see myself through their eyes. As tragic, hopeless rage-filled children who can’t be trusted. Whom they might even sincerely want to help, but are terrified of unleashing the beast within.
Because I feel the same way towards them.
As tragic, hopeless rage-filled children who can’t be trusted. Whom they might even sincerely want to help, but are terrified of unleashing the beast within.
I see their rage and humiliation, and recognize it as my own. I can see how they are digging themselves into the very same trap I dug for myself.
I wish I could help them. Part of me wants to cry out: Stop! Don’t do this to us. Don’t do this to yourselves.
Don’t become me. The architect of your own demise.
Don’t become me. The architect of your own demise.
But I say nothing. If I knew a cure for this horrid compulsion, I would have used it. But from what I can see of the world outside, no such cure exists.
We are all trapped in the same cycle of shame and revenge. Which always ends up in the same place.
We just got there sooner. I just got their first.
Finally, I am sane enough to see what I have become.
Radically Happy 
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