Dream: The Lost Supper (Self-Sabotage)

Published by

Dr. Ernie

on

I am eating dinner
Or at least trying to

We are having a get together
With our extended family
Even my brother is in town

I have a lot on my plate
It’s a sturdy cardboard plate
And well balanced
So I can handle it easily

But
Something’s wrong

I feel
Like I’m caught
In a web of social obligations
Other people’s
Expectations and fears
Of who I am
Or might become

People resent
Maybe even fear me
Because I expose
Their hidden shame
Simply by trying to be myself
When they cannot

Or maybe
They are justly angry
Because I value my happiness
Over theirs
While pretending otherwise

So
Deliberately
But without conscious thought
I knock over my plate

To relieve the tension
By giving them an opportunity
To look down on me
So they feel safer
So I feel safe

The food
Mostly dry
Bread and meat
Falls on the floor

It is not too big of a mess
I could even invoke the five-second rule
If I move fast

I really liked that meal
I had put it together carefully
I was looking forward to eating it

But the part of me
That flipped the plate
Does not have time
For regrets

It knows
Social status
Is the key
To both surviving
And thriving

So it has an override button
It can use
To shut down
The rest of my psyche
Whenever it seems necessary

My wife
Gets that look
All wives get
When their husband does something stupid in public

The dogs
Rush in
At the sound of falling food
To which they are deeply attuned

We all
Have our reflexes
We cannot control
Because they are essential
For our survival

We all
Have our reflexes
We cannot control
Because they are essential
For our survival

Right?

I need the kids
To hold back the dogs
So they don’t gorge themselves
On food that is good for me
But unhealthy for them

This takes enough time
I lose the five-second window
To pick up and eat my lost meal
Which is perhaps just as well

After all
There is more food

And I no longer need
To humiliate myself

For now…

Radically Happy