Radically Happy

A follow-on to Goodbye, Resentment

I walk up to an albino Pitt bull, who is tied to an enormous oak tree by a huge steel chain. He is sleeping, but instead of snores I hear a soft “tock– tock- tock…”

Earnest: Um… excuse me? Mr. Tick?

He opens one sleepy eye to glare at me balefully.

Tick: That’s just “Tick” to you. What do you want?

E. Ah, I believe you represent the “modern” part of me that is obsessed with time and efficiency, as opposed to the traditional values of relationship and conformity.

He opens a second eye, doubling the balefuleness of his glare. I sneak a glance to reassure myself of the strength of his chain.

T. So what if I am?

E. [sighing] So, as I understand these things, my quest is to build a dialogue with these abjected parts so they find healthier ways to get what they deeply need, instead of distorting my behavior in unhealthy ways.

T. [stands up, and stretches] Okay, sounds good to me.

E. [pleasantly surprised] Oh… that’s great!

T. [grins evilly, wagging his tail] What I deeply want is simple: to be set free! [glances meaningfully at the chain holding him in place]

E. [nervously] Er… I can see that’s what you want. But how can I be sure that’s what you need?

T. Is that what you want and need? True freedom? Why not the same for me?

E. Honest question? Not just being rhetorical and manipulative?

T. Sure, let’s go with that.

E. Ah… [thinking] Actually, that is the problem. I’ll be honest, I’m of two minds about being chained to modernity. On the one hand, it is clearly far more generative and liberating than traditionalism. On the other, it is inherently alienating and destabilizing.

Tick yawns again and lies down.

T. Fine. You want to do it this way? What about the other two?

E. Two what?

T. Paws. You humans are so dualistic. Not to mention anthropocentric with your “hands” and “opposable thumbs.” You need more than two hands to truly understand an issue. Why not four paws instead?

E. Um… okay. Well, the third… leg… would be Christ, redeeming the tension between modern transactions and traditional relations. “Relactional” if you will.

T. [yawning] Whatever. And the fourth?

E. …

T. [smiling with a display of fangs] What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?

A disembodied smile appears, slowly followed by a cat.

Cheshire: I say, I resemble that remark. But as you can see, I do not in fact have his tongue.

The cat holds out his paws. In his left paw is quite obviously Earnest’s tongue. The cat is embarrassed to realize this. He frantically switches the tongue to his right paw, then in desperation stuffs it in his mouth. Improbably, Earnest’s voice speaks from the cat’s mouth.

Earnest/Cheshire: I guess the fourth leg would be non-dualism, to deny the question altogether.

The cat hurriedly covers his mouth with his paws. The dog sighs and goes back to sleep.

Earnest stares in confusion at the animals. The cat notices the human staring, narrows his eyes, and begins to disappear. Earnest hurriedly grabs the cat’s tail before he loses track of his tongue. The cat yelps!

C. [in his own voice] Ouch, that hurts!

Earnest glares at the cat, and points from the cat’s mouth to his own.

C. [sighing] Oh, very well. [hands Earnest the tongue] But frankly, you are much easier to deal with this way. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay like this?

Earnest freezes in the act of putting the tongue back in his mouth. He glances at Tick, who is now standing fully alert and staring eagerly, almost hungrily at Earnest.

Like a man in a dream, Earnest slowly and carefully places his tongue inside Tick’s mouth. Tick’s face contorts for a few moments; when he finally speaks, it is in a completely new voice.

?/Tick: Ah, thank you. That is much better.

Earnest and the cat glance at each other. Earnest motions for the cat to speak.

C. Ah… who is that?

?/Tick: I am future Earnest. The fully modern version of him that does not yet exist.

Earnest’s eyes go wide. The cat seems amused.

C. Ooh… got any good stock market tips?

Tick’s head shakes.

?/Tick: I am not a time traveler from the actual future. I am Earnest’s potential future, one he has refused to embrace.

Earnest looks quizzically at the cat, who appears to nod in understanding.

C. I agree, Earnest. [turns to Tick] Why should he embrace you?

?/Tick: Because the future is coming whether he wants it or not. There is no returning to the past. The best Earnest can do is give voice to the future, so it captures his highest hopes rather than his worst fears.

There is no returning to the past.
The best Earnest can do is give voice to the future, so it captures his highest hopes rather than his worst fears.

?/Tick

Earnest slaps himself on the forehead and looks pleadingly at the cat. The cat sighs sympathetically.

C. Does that mean Earnest must lose his present voice to give voice to his future?

Tick appears conflicted by this, and commences a series of facial gyrations that make it appear he is arguing with his own mouth. Finally, he spits out the tongue. Earnest rushes over and stuffs it back in his own mouth.

E. Thank you. Also: Ewww! [gagging]

Tick is also retching. The cat, however, appears vastly amused.

C. What a lovely show. Well, my work here is done.

The cat sticks out his tongue. His body disappears leaving a smile, then the smile slowly fades until only the tongue remains.

E. Wait!

The cat’s disembodied tongue does not disappear, but curls up as if listening.

E. [to the cat] If the dog is modernity, who are you? Surely not tradition.

The tongue goes limp. The cat’s mouth reappears — only a frown instead of a smile — followed by his body, which slumps to the ground. When he speaks, his voice seems to have aged a millennium.

C. No. I… am eternity.

Earnest and Tick stare at him in disbelief. The cat smiles sadly.

C. Yes, it is true. I cannot stay long in the temporal world. If I did, the very fabric of reality would come apart. All I have to give you [he grimaces, as if from a familiar pain] is my smile.

The cat’s grin is no longer mocking. Or maybe it never was, and we misinterpreted it that way because we didn’t see the pain. It lingers in the air after his body disappears, until it too winks out, leaving a ghostly afterimage.

The cat’s grin is no longer mocking.
Or maybe it never was, and we misinterpreted it that way because we didn’t see the pain.

Earnest and Tick stare at each other.

E. Did that really happen?

Tick grins like a dopey labrador , with his tongue sticking out.

T. Of course. It was about time!

E. Huh?

Tock advances to the limits of his leash, his eyes pleading.

Earnest takes a long look at him, sighs, then unsnaps Tick’s leash from the tree.

Tick jumps on top of Earnest — and licks him in the face. Then the dog starts gamboling around Iike a puppy. In fact, he becomes a puppy, complete with a round soft muzzle and floppy ears.

Earnest sits down, stunned. The puppy jumps into his lap and starts licking him on the mouth. Earnest finally disengages from the kisses and starts tickling the puppy until it rolls over on its back, with its tongue lolling out.

Earnest scratches his belly while the puppy’s legs gyrate wildly in the air. Finally they both stop and yawn. Earnest lies down and the puppy cuddles next him.

Earnest fondly scratches the dog’s head.

E. Is that why you were such a hard taskmaster? You had the job of pulling eternity into the present, and couldn’t do that without my voice? And now that it is done, you can rest? Maybe even play?

“Is that why you were such a hard taskmaster? You had the job of pulling eternity into the present, and couldn’t do that without my voice?”

Earnest, to Tick the Watchdog

The puppy says nothing, but rolls onto his back for more belly scratches. Instead, Earnest scoops him up and lies down. Together, they cuddle until they fall asleep…

To be continued