Radically Happy

Interlude from Sex 408

A blond, physically-fit “beach” dude walks into a coffee shop. A thirty-something Jewish man is waiting for him.

Jesus: Hello, Ken. Thanks for joining me.

Ken: [taking a seat] Uh, thanks for asking for me. [looks down] I, um, assume you want to ask me about Barbie.

Jesus looks at him for a long moment.

J. [gently] Why would you assume that?

K. [angrily] Everyone else does. She’s the one who really matters, right?

Jesus looks as if he is about to say something, but does not.

Ken sighs, and stands up.

K. I’m sorry, that was totally out of line. Maybe… maybe I should go. [turns to walk away]

Jesus doesn’t seem to hurry, but somehow manages to stand up and intercept Ken before he takes a step.

J. Ken. Look at me.

Ken resists. Jesus places a hand on his shoulder. Finally, Ken squares his shoulders and looks at Jesus.

J. I know this is hard, but I am asking you to trust me. I am here for you. And I don’t resent your anger. In fact, I welcome it!

Ken is stunned. He doesn’t resist as Jesus leads him back to the table and orders cappuccinos for them. They sit there silently until their drinks arrive.

Jesus tilts his head.

J. Ken, I sense you have a question you’d like to ask. Go ahead. It won’t offend me.

K. [taking a deep breath] Okay. You know I was born into a world that put women on a pedestal. Something to be treasured, protected, even worshipped.

Jesus nods.

K. But then the world changed. Women became everything. Doctors. Lawyers. Scientists. Even soldiers and police.

Ken leans forward.

K. Don’t you understand? I have no place in this world anymore. I’m just an accessory. Women are still valued for all the things they used to be, but now they are valued for all the things men used to do. Heck, they even have sperm donors. Every man alive could die tomorrow, and civilization would continue along just fine. Women would be just fine without us.

Ken slumps back bitterly.

K. [whispering] Maybe even better.

Jesus looks at him for a long moment.
Then picks up his cappuccino.
And slurps it noisily.

Ken looks up, startled.
Jesus grins at him.
Ken grins too, sheepishly.

Jesus cocks his head again.

J. Do you know why I did that, Ken?

K. Well… either you were raised in a barn, or you did that to get my attention.

J. [raising eyebrows] How about both?

Ken chuckles. But Jesus grows serious.

J. Ken, do you know why guys do stupid things to get attention?

K. [mumbling]

J. What was that?

K. [shamefaced] To impress girls.

J. But why?

K. I guess… evolution. Demonstration of fitness?

J. True. But again, why?

K. [slams table angrily] There is no why. This is all just a stupid rigged game invented by our ancestors. And now it’s over. And we lost. Men LOST. Women will inherit the earth. And they’re welcome to it. Let them learn what it feels like to be The Man. Who knows? Maybe they will screw it up less than we did. [under his breath] They sure can’t do any worse.

Jesus listens calmly, smiling gently.

J. Are you finished?

K. [numbly]. Yeah. I think… we all are. I… I should go.

He starts to rise, but Jesus lays a hand on his arm.

J. But Ken, I am not finished. In fact [grinning] I haven’t even started.

Ken looks puzzled, but remains in his seat, watching Jesus curiously.

Jesus lifts his cappuccino.

J. Ken, do you know the difference between espresso and drip coffee?

Ken snorts.

K. Of course! I used to be a barista. Well, [blushing] a beach barista. Coffee falls down under gravity, but espresso is shot like a cannon. [animatedly] When you force hot water through finely ground coffee at just the right pressure, you unlock this incredible depth of flavor that’s both concentrated and complex. Each shot is like a tiny universe of taste…

Ken suddenly realizes he is standing up and leaning forward while monologuing. He sits down hurriedly.

K. Sorry.

J. Sorry? What do you have to be sorry about?

K. I… I get carried away sometimes.

J. Why is that something you need to apologize for?

K. Because it doesn’t matter. [shouting] Nothing I care about matters. Strength. Competition. Innovation. Masculinity. Power. Sex. They’re all obsolete. [slumps down] I… am obsolete.

J. [smiling] Ken, look at me.

K. [rolling his eyes] I know what you’re going to say. I am “Kenough.” I don’t need all those things. I can just be happy as I am, with who I am.

J. [grinning wider] Actually, no.

K. [sarcastically] What, are you saying that I suck, and I will never be happy on my own?

Jesus seems to take the question seriously. He rocks his head back and forth thoughtfully.

J. Not the way I would put it, but yes.

K. [eagerly] Then I was right all along! The only way I can be happy is with Barbie!

Jesus smiles sadly.

J. Sorry, Ken, but that isn’t true either. It never really was.

K. [deflated] Then what do I have left?

Jesus leans over and takes Ken’s hands.

J. Me

Ken pulls back.

K. Look. Jesus, you are a great guy and all. But that church stuff isn’t for me. I’m a man of action. I want to be out in the world, conquering and competing. Not stuck in a room reading books or serving the homeless. [catching himself] Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

J. I agree.

K. With which part?

J. That there is nothing wrong with books and service… but they aren’t right for you. You were made to fight, and woo, and protect.

K. I was made to be an accessory!

J. Yes.

K. What?!

J. To me.

Ken sits there stunned.

Jesus takes the opportunity to buy a couple of muffins: one blueberry and the other chocolate chip. He offers the choice to Ken, who numbly grabs the chocolate.

They sit there for a moment, chewing.

J. Ken, do you think chocolate chips are necessary for the muffin?

K. [bemused] Maybe not for a muffin. But for this muffin, definitely.

J. Why is that?

K. Because otherwise, everything is just the same. Chocolate adds the zing, the little extra that makes life special.

Jesus grins.

J. And now you understand why I invented sex.

Ken spits out his muffin.

K. Say what? [looks around as if afraid someone overheard them]

J. What, you didn’t think I knew about sex? Ken, I created sex. Do you know why?

Ken shakes his head, a glazed look on his face.
Jesus leans forward.

J. Because I didn’t want a world of homogeneous bacteria randomly swapping genes. I wanted a world of competition, strength, power, diversity, innovation. Males competing to gain females, and to protect them so they can raise their children.

K. But that world is gone! Or obsolete.

Jesus shakes his head.

J. The world you knew is gone, Ken. I agree with that. But that was never the world I wanted. It was a pale shadow that got many, many things wrong. But it got enough of them right to pass on their genes — and some of their values — to you.

K. Big deal. I won the evolutionary lottery because I survived. Now what?

Jesus smiles broadly.

J. Ken, now you get to learn how to really thrive. How to help me fight for the world I always intended, but have not yet realized. A world where you find your ultimate satisfaction in me, but in a way that leaves you wholly — or at least holy — dissatisfied with the world as it is.

He pauses, then resumes more gently.

J. A world where yes, part of your purpose is to woo a mate; but increasingly out of a sense of overflow and grace rather than neediness and law. So that even if you fail, you end up fuller than when you started. Because even your brokenness creates more room for me to dwell in you.

Ken stares at Jesus.

K. Can… such a world exist?

Jesus stands up and holds out his hand.

J. Come and see!

To be continued