Scene 1
We are discussing theology.
Specifically, how the gospels were constructed.
The mainstream theory is that there was a mostly-oral tradition after Jesus death that was codified a century or so later.
To help broaden the discussion, I say:
To be fair, some people say there was a “pre-existing narrative” that the disciples added onto.
Then she says:
It was a pre-existing narrative.
I look at her.
Then I turn and walk upstairs
Scene 2
I am fuming.
I know she hasn’t thought about this deeply.
She probably doesn’t even know what the term actually refers to.
What happened is that someone she looked up to used the term in an authoritative way.
Thus, when the topic came up, she subconsciously wanted to virtue-signal her allegiance to that tribe.
So she sucks all the oxygen out of the room by make a flat, declarative statement about reality. Staking out a position, rather than offering a perspective.
This isn’t an intellectual discussion for her.
Any attempt on my part to suggest alternatives will simply trigger her more.
I hate it when she does this.
Especially to me.
Scene 3
She follows me upstairs.
I did not expect this.
She actually seems concerned.
She asks what’s wrong.
I explain:
I thought we were having an open dialogue. But then you gave what seemed to be a definitive answer, so there didn’t seem anything more to say.
Then I wake up.
Reflections
I am the one stuck in a pre-existing narrative.
I know I want one thing.
It is obvious she wants something else.
But it is not obvious what it is.
Yet I take offense instead of staying curious.
I could have asked.
I could have switched gears.
I could have said:
You sound pretty certain. Can you help us understand what you mean by that?
That would put her on the spot.
In a good way.
She can choose whether to back down, or explain herself.
Instead I froze.
I assumed this was “just like all the other times.”
I felt victimized.
Trapped between letting her win
And being the bad guy.
Why?
I resent her emotional allegiances.
I think her tribe finds emotional security from having strong leaders take uncompromising positions with absolute certainty.
Of course those leaders disagree with each other. And maybe even themselves. But that doesn’t matter. They willingly embrace the cognitive dissonance.
Critical thinking isn’t part of their culture.
My tribe is the opposite.
We find emotional security in thinking for ourselves.
We hate being told what to believe.
We love being given a rational argument we can pick apart and analyze.
I am not standing for truth.
I resent her defending her emotional security at the cost of mine.
Just like she resented me doing the same to her.
How do we break this cycle?
How do I break this cycle?
What is the pre-existing narrative I have bought into — been trained into — that owns my emotional allegiance?
And why?
What is the rational conversation I am secretly terrified of having?
What is the tribal status I would rather die for than lose?
Because that is the cross I must bear
If I am to love her
As Jesus does me
Radically Happy 
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