Radically Happy

Hat tip to William Shakespeare

Act 1, Scene 1.

• The scene: a noble house in Italy
• The man: a sober count in his early thirties
• The problem: love sickness

Orisino: Fool! Play me a love song.

Fool: But I thought you wert sick of being in love with the Lady Olivia. Art thou even more fool than I?

O. Exactly! I want to gorge on love and vomit it up, that it may exit my system.

F: Eh, either way, I get paid.

[Fool begins to play and sing for a while]

O. Argh, stop. It is no good. It just makes me miss her more.

F. I tried to warn you…

Curio: My lord, perhaps you could go hunting instead. Perhaps for deer?

O. Alas, I only want to hunt my dear one. Or perhaps I am the deer, and passion plagues me like hounds.

Lecherio: [entering from stage right] Dude, what is wrong with you?

C. Hey now, what manner of man are you to intrude upon the Count’s sorrow?

L. What manner of dog is he to sit around whining and pining after a b*tch that refuses to see him?

O. How dare you speak so of fair Olivia! I have killed men for less.

L. Riiight. You’re brave enough when fighting men with swords, but a coward when it comes women.

F. Excuse me, but I thought I was supposed to be the fool here. Are you trying to get yourself thrown out, or killed?

L. Hey, I don’t even know where I am. Last I knew I was visiting Baba Yaga’s hut.

C. You are in the court of the noble Count Orsino, a man famed for his just rulership, handsome physique, and refined manners.

L. Right. A coward, just like I said.

C. How dare you!

F. Geez, I think I need to find another job.

O. [smiling suddenly] Ah, is that what this is? Art thou trying out for the post of court jester, using empty insults to make me forget my sorrows?

L. Ah… almost? I’m what we moderns call a “Lancer”. My job is to explore the negative space left by a protagonist, to further define his character and explain his actions.

O. So you admittest thou art a fool?

L. Hell, no. Except maybe a fool for love. I’ll do anything to bed a hot chick. And you, sir, are no fool.

F. Wait. Did he just insult the count, or me?

[Orsino seems equally puzzled]

Valentine: [entering] My Lord, I have returned from paying court to the Lady Olivia, as you commanded.

L. Wait, you actually pay somebody to tell a girl you like her? Geez, you people are worse off than I thought.

O. Shut thy mouth, fool. Thou knowest nothing of courtly manners.

L. Oh yeah? Let me guess. She said, “no,” right?

[Orsino looks plaintively at Valentine. Valentine shrugs apologetically]

L. See here, count. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe you aren’t a coward at all.

O. Verily, finally thou hast seen reason.

L. You’re really just a fraud.

O. What?

F. Geez, I should take notes.

[Lecher wanders over and starts eating from the Count’s table. And talking with his mouth full, to the horror of the courtiers]

L. See, there’s two possibilities. Either you really have a deep passion for her, and are afraid to prove it. Or you deliberately chose a girl you can’t have so you can pretend to have feelings without any of the consequences.

O. [splutters]. You…

L. You’re not gay, are you?

[Orsino stares in shock. Lecherio walks up to stand right in front of him and looks him in the eye. Then turns away]

L. Naw, that’s not it.

C. [blurting] But… how did you know?

[Orsino gives him a wounded look]

L. [shrugging] I’m hot. Everybody wants me. If he’s not even a little aroused around me, then he’s not gay. Which means… [wanders off muttering to himself]

O. Fool, is he mad?

F. Are not we all? Yet methinks there is a method to his madness.

V. What strange manner of man is this, who dares upbraid a lord in his own lair?

L. [whirling]. Yes, that’s it! Orsino, why don’t you go court the lady yourself?

O. It is not proper. She has refused my offer of courtship.

L. Then why do you send her messengers instead?

O. Because I love her!

L. And do you really think showing yourself powerful and stubborn will change her mind?

O. …

C. See here! Our Lord is a proper gentleman. He would never force his presence on a lady against her will.

L. Bah! Fie on her will!

[The court gasps]

O. [Outraged] Send for my guards. This man is dangerous.

[Curio rushes off, stage left]

L. Yes! Yes I am. That is what it means to be a lover. To be dangerous. To want a woman with a passion bigger than herself. To win her heart, even against her will.

[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter from stage left, leading a troop of soldiers. They grab Lecherio and lead him off stage right]

L. [yelling] You can imprison me, but you can’t silence me. You have every right to hate me, but you need me. I am the only one who knows how to love her. I am…

[A struggle ensues. He is led offstage. A muffled voice, difficult to identify, calls out]

?: You!

To be continued.